As published in the Revolve Magazine January 2012
Relationships are what ultimately bring most value and worth to our lives. No matter what we’ve managed to achieve, learn or accumulate, it is essentially relationships that define our human experience, and which we will come to realize (whether sooner or later), have most impact on our feelings of contentment along our journey.
We yearn to experience satisfying, joyous or productive relationships. What makes them satisfying is a personal question which depends on one’s own learning, beliefs and past experiences.
But we all want to feel valued through these interactions; to feel special, important, loved or appreciated. Because it is our nature to constantly learn and evolve, we also enjoy those relationships which inspire or teach us new things, provide us with lessons, or empower us and strengthen our self-worth and belief.
We also all want to be able to express ourselves as fully and truly as we can through them; authentically and freely, comfortably being ourselves.
When we enjoy these things, we feel fulfilled and rich.
So if we all want these same things… why is it so complicated rather than straight forward? Why do we engage or stay in relationships that don’t work, don’t offer us this richness? Why do we sometimes sabotage or even somehow try to destroy them?
One of the biggest blocks to having it good or simple, is our old time favourite intruder; fear.
It’s often more subconscious than conscious. Fear of what other people think of us. Fear of judgement. Fear of what the other might feel, say or do. Fear of being vulnerable; of expressing our truth; exposing our real self; of being misunderstood, rejected or ridiculed. Fear of the unknown; what would happen if we did or said this or that or of what the future might hold.
As a result we want to control the other, to make sure we are safe.
Surely that would make things a lot easier for us. Yep, it’s not just their annoying habits we want to change, but we want to control the way they think, feel and react.
We want them to say certain things or behave in ways we approve of. We want them to provide us with some security, to answer to our needs, and to fit in with what we want for ourselves.
Truth is though, that we will never be in control of another’s experience. No matter how much we want to. And this will only cause our own frustration and suffering. We are unhappy, not because of them, but because we want them to be somehow different.
It’s a bit paradoxical, but it’s because of this fear that we all share, that we then create conditions which create even more of that same fear in the other…
By wanting to control the other and their experience, we are in fact judging and not allowing them to be fully themselves; essentially rejecting them as they are. And of course in turn they fear us even more – therefore wanting more control over us…I think you can see where this is going!
When we let go of the fear and the wanting to control another, we are actually allowing them to be themselves. What we discover by doing that is not only do they allow us the same (as they are no longer afraid of us), but also that we ourselves lose that fear. This may seem paradoxical again; but it’s because we no longer want that control, that we fully accept ourselves – as we simply no longer need to be approved by the other…
This is why it is said that loving our selves comes first, and that it’s only when we fully accept ourselves, we can fully accept others, and so we (or they) no longer suffer.
Another one of the major blocks that often stands in our way is that we carry around with us many unresolved issues, painful feelings, beliefs or stories from the past. We tend to also recreate same patterns until we have finally either ‘learned our lesson’, or fully accepted the past and let it go.
Yep, Letting go…once again. We hear about this all the time. It’s almost a cliché and as such, we don’t pay too much attention to. But yes, it can be that simple.
How can we let these go? It’s one thing understanding these ideas and another to actually implement them.
The Sedona Method offers us a very simple way of achieving this. It is a hugely powerful, easy to learn, practical and fast working personal development tool for freedom and de-programming. It’s based on that we are free and unlimited, only limited by holding on to stories.
We can effortlessly release and let go of any blocks; whether conscious or subconscious; whether uncomfortable feelings; fears; beliefs; and our various wantings and attachments.
We can change what appears to be ‘deep rooted’ programmes almost instantly, as we get to fully experience rather than just understand, that they are just imaginary objects made up by our minds rather than a real part of us.
Taking this even further, we can apply this to our relationship with the rest of society, life and the universe in general…what is stopping us from experiencing the joy, bliss and contentment we speak or dream of?
It’s not the way ‘things are’ that is the issue, or the world being a mess.
It is again our own fears, beliefs and resistance; wanting to control or change what is here now rather than fully accept it. We resist what we judge as threatening or uncomfortable to us in any way. We hold on to past suffering and programming. This is a whole other article. But if we manage to become free of these limitations on a smaller scale in our interactions with each other, we would surely experience a huge leap forward in our perception and participation in the whole of reality around us…so perhaps we can start here.
Happy 2012 everyone!