Does the world around you drive you crazy sometimes? Do some people just get on your nerves? Do you feel they’re holding you back? Do you sometimes feel like if only you didn’t have all those obstacles in your way you’d be winning so much more at life?
Yup, I know. Growing up, I found it incredibly difficult trying to be happy with people and events being the way they were. Life sucked in some very major ways and yeah, I was pretty angry about it most of the time. I had some good reasons to. I was living in what you might’ve heard is called the ‘consequence’ side of things rather than ‘cause’. Life and people were holding me back. The idea of being the cause of my circumstances was hugely uncomfortable as clearly things weren’t my fault. To say I was the cause of my pain seemed like another punishment I didn’t deserve.
So today I’m here to share with you how you too can join the thousands of people out there who enjoy all the wonderful benefits of maintaining a successful consequence-mind-set or what’s called the victim mentality making the least effort!
“It wasn’t me! Look how little I am. I’m a little guy.” ~ Pete Wentz
11 Top benefits of victim mentality and how to avoid responsibility like a pro
1. You get to blame the world around you.
This is a fun one. There’s so much wrong with the world – where to start…? War, politics, the economy, environmental issues, greed, violence, corruption and the list could go on forever. What a circus. It’s so depressing I’m surprised you’ve made it thus far surviving in this awful place. Your challenges and misfortunes are an understandable product of these times. And since you’re not in control of them…well, there’s clearly nothing you can do. There’s really no point to try and change, create or contribute anything when this is what you’re up against. To be able to blame the world most efficiently I highly recommend closely following the news. The more the better. This will keep you updated about the horrors of the world so that you can blame it at any time knowing your helplessness is relevant and current. And those who seem to thrive regardless? Well they obviously got very lucky.
2. You get to blame other people.
Plenty here to choose from too. Blame your partner, your kids, boss, colleagues, teachers, neighbours, friends, that annoying dude on the train and that useless customer service person on the phone…you name it. Anyone really. People can be so annoying, and so self-absorbed they don’t even realise it! They seem to be living on a planet completely different to yours… They have different points of views and opinions to you. Consequently they say or do things you’re not happy with or even drive you up the wall… Is it any wonder you’re upset? Sure, maybe you could try behaving differently with them so you’d get a different response in return. But why should you? They started it. And sure, you could choose not to be affected by their own shit being thrown at you. But the more affected you are, the more control over your life you hand over to them. And this is great – ‘cuz then if you’re feeling angry, offended or miserable, you can remain assured it’s their fault.
3. You get to blame your parents.
Your parents do hold a special place in your life and heart so I thought they deserved a paragraph of their own. Anyone with a committed and successful sense of victim-mentality would be able to confirm the importance and joy of blaming your parents! Most of your flaws and struggles can be traced to your childhood. As you were under their responsibility at the time, they’re obviously responsible for your issues. Difficulties you might have now are clearly a result of all the stuff they got wrong in their parenting. Parents should know better. You’re absolutely right in having expected them to know everything and exactly how to provide for all your needs in the very best way possible.
Sure, people make mistakes, but when it comes to parenting, it’s a different story. There’s no place for error. Children are extremely vulnerable, completely dependent on their parents and of course they never had any choice in the matter of who their parents would be. So once people become parents, they can no longer afford to be the flawed human beings they are. They must learn to perfect themselves before bringing new beings into the world. If people can’t bring up kids without damaging them in some way, maybe they shouldn’t be parents at all, right? Of course, that would mean you wouldn’t be here right now alive and reading. But never mind that – it’s not the point.
4. You get to let go of forgiveness.
Forgiveness can be hard work. Why make all that conscious effort? Instead, take pleasure in maintaining anger or resentment. Take revenge at people or the world by feeding your misery. Hold on to rage so that it poisons your whole being. This way, by showing them how furious they’ve made you or how unhappy you are – you’re proving they suck. You win.
5. You get to complain, complain, complain!
Complaining is sooo much fun! Everybody loves doing this when they get the chance, but it’s the best victim-mentality experts who get to do this the most! If you too would like to be at the top of this game, begin by forging and nurturing a sense of entitlement, then add in any desires and expectations and remember to sulk when things don’t go your way. Be more judgemental towards everyone and everything. Use criticism as your main form of communication.
This will consequently create more negativity around you to further complain about, woohoo! But it’s also a great way of passing time without having to take a good look at yourself, which could be unpleasant. This will also ensure your mind is highly trained in detection and focusing on negatives. You’ll soon find there’s so much to point out, it will be like a never ending game! Another good idea is to react before you think and without making more conscious decisions. This way your experience will continue to seem like a product of circumstances you can keep enjoying moaning about.
“I personally believe we developed language because of our deep inner need to complain.” ~ Jane Wagner
6. You get lots of pity.
I strongly recommend you start by taking some quality time out to consciously sit and feel sorry for yourself and your wretched life circumstances. Then, find fun and creative ways to engage others in this too! One way is to tell sob stories over and over to get people to also feel sorry for you. This way you can gain some sympathy or valuable feelings of approval or importance. You could also try forming an expectation from others to provide you with what you need. If you’re lucky, you might even find someone who enjoys playing the ‘saviour’! This is truly a match made in heaven. This type of person will be more than happy to take you on as their project. With time you might realise you’ve got lots more in common than you originally thought. What’s more, you’ll be able to blame them too if they don’t manage to sort your life out!
Try taking pity even a step further by enjoying games of passive-aggression, or if you’re feeling more adventurous – emotional blackmail. This is when you indirectly try to make people feel guilty. They then feel more obliged to cooperate with what you want to happen. You do this by making it clear you haven’t got the strength or resources to deal with things. You make sure they understand they’re responsible if things go wrong. Alternatively, you could make them feel guilty about a situation that’s already happened and so they might owe you one. And if they don’t play along with your little stunt – Fine. That will only give you more reason for anger or self-pity. You WIN once again!
7. You get to be jealous and resentful of others’ success stories.
It should’ve been or could’ve been you! If only you didn’t have all those things standing in your way you had no control over, of course. Luck as well as privilege have both got a lot to do with it. You never had much of those and others obviously had huge advantages over you. Some people are just jammy like that. Feeling jealous will ensure you can comfortably maintain your feelings of lack. These are essential for a healthy consequence or victim-mentality. Plus, everybody knows that jealousy gets you to where you wanna be.
8. You get to procrastinate and justify it as much as you like.
You can take pride in avoiding any accountability or meaningful action towards your goals. You’ll soon discover your inventiveness levels have stepped up a few as you find you’ve got plenty of excuses. By doing this you gain the confidence to be passive. You’ll enjoy the satisfaction knowing you can sit back and let life unfold around you as it does without you going anywhere.
There are unlimited ways you’ll be able use your extra free time. You could get plenty of rest. You might like to spend a ridiculous number of hours sleeping. You could also develop your imagination by day-dreaming but of course making sure you do nothing about those dreams. If you find it hard being still, you could instead make sure you’re always busy with something. Maybe by taking up new hobbies, projects or courses you’ll never follow through. Or you might like to experiment with various addictive behaviours. These can be to alcohol, drugs, food, shopping, work or anything else that will fill up not just your time but also some other, abstract missing piece.
If you enjoy cheap entertainment, you can watch more TV. If you’re not the TV type you could just as easily go online. Pointlessly going online has effortlessly helped countless people around the world avoid life and its challenges. Watching the world from behind a screen also provides you with a safe place where you can hone your cynical thinking abilities. You can apply your advanced condemnation skills with no risk of getting undesirable responses. Feel free to point fingers or ridicule all you like. Possibilities are truly endless with these tools. You can easily reinforce any feelings of apathy, frustration, bitterness or envy, depending on what and who you choose to watch or follow. These are also fantastic for following the news, which we’ve already covered in point 1.
9. You get to hold onto and live in the past.
Having a victim mentality, you can blame your past stories for current circumstances. You can replay all the negative shit over and over in your head. This way you make sure you continue living as if you’re still there rather than here now. Life is far more interesting and entertaining when holding onto stories. Alternatively, you might feel your past has been alright and it’s only now you’ve got a problem with. In this case you can still benefit from comparing the joyless present with your past. Moan about nowadays not being as good as it used to be. Either way, this will ensure you’ve got plenty more stuff to regret and cry over in the future too – keeping the cycle alive and kicking!
“The victim mindset will have you dancing with the devil, then complaining that you’re in hell.” ~ Steve Maraboli
True and real honesty with yourself can be hugely discomforting. It’s much easier and safer to ignore, hide or pretend things aren’t there. Kidding yourself allows you to more easily focus on and judge the world around you without facing the darker places in your own private world. Nope, nobody likes that.
To enjoy the full benefits of this, you might also like to push away any genuine reflection on the idea that your life will end one day. Continuing to dodge this disturbing truth, you’ll feel more relaxed and at ease. You’ll be able to more comfortably entertain the delusional hope that one day things will magically change on their own. And if they don’t, that’s OK too as it will provide you with yet more stuff to feel helpless about. Once again, you’ll be proving your point that life is shit. You were so right.
11. You get to be afraid, very afraid.
Fear is another great emotion you can nurture and use in many imaginative ways. When you apply it wisely, you can use it to reinforce any of the points on this list. Whether it’s feeling fear of the world, of people, of lack, of change, of the future, of mortality, of failure, of yourself or your own darkness… It’s really an incredible tool for avoidance or making excuses. It provides you with endless opportunities to shake that burden of freedom and responsibility off your shoulders. What a relief!
Ok, you get it. So now what?
Well, going back to my story, with time I began to understand that I was the creator of my own life no matter what cards I might’ve been dealt with. Even though the idea that it was me who brought me to the place I was in was very uncomfortable, I thankfully came to the conclusion that regret was even more painful. I was grieving for every single day that was passing, as each one was another dead opportunity to break free. When this agony surpassed any other suffering, I realised I couldn’t waste my only chance at life feeling sorry for myself. I realised that any wrong-doings ‘against’ me or misfortunes I’ve experienced felt as if they’ve taken away my power. So to make sure I ‘kept’ my power I subconsciously blamed myself, making sure I was still in charge. I wanted to be the cause – albeit the negative one. Yes, it was all my fault. It must’ve been, as otherwise I’d have to face up to the fact that the world wasn’t as nice and pretty as I wanted it to be. So there must’ve been a good reason for this shit happening – and that reason was me.
I realised that having a victim mentality, I was the one who was continuing to punish myself for all the things I felt I’ve already been ‘punished’ by. I kept my power by continuing to make myself feel powerless – at least if I was going to feel this way it was going to be in my own hands. I know this seems paradoxical – but most truths are. Being the cause or consequence are really two sides of the same coin.
“You can avoid reality. But you cannot avoid the consequences of avoiding reality.” – Ayn Rand
I’ve come to understand that no one else will sort things out for me. No one else is able to control the way I feel or react unless I allow them to. And no one else will ever provide me with what I need other than me. I understood that others were acting not because of me but because of themselves. That they too were behaving out of their own subconscious choices, stories and beliefs. Coinciding with my release from the Israeli mandatory national service, I decided that no one should be able to be in charge of me or my mind in that way or take my freedom again… And because freedom meant facing responsibility, I was willing to take that on. There was nothing in fact that was more important to me at the time.
So how can you get rid of the victim mentality?
Having a victim mentality and limiting beliefs is one of our major blocks to moving forward. If you really get it but you’re still struggling with forgiveness, acceptance, anger, guilt / shame, helplessness, lack of self-worth or confidence, you might want to consider professional support. What worked for me personally was using self-hypnosis and the Sedona Method™ which work powerfully on a subconscious level. I finally managed to get rid of these difficulties all thanks to these tools. These can help you to finally put the past behind you and let go of any blame towards others and particularly yourself.
You’ll become more in charge of yourself; your emotions, reactions and decisions. You’ll be able to experience more clarity, confidence, self-love and self-assurance knowing that not only are you good enough, but that you’re capable of so much more than you’ve ever imagined. Once your mind moves on from focusing on the negative, you’ll also begin to find more and more stuff to be grateful for… You’ll no longer be controlled by others or your insecurities. Instead, you’ll regain the real power over your own state of mind and well-being. You’ll be able to finally direct your life where you want to go – being both the cause and the consequence of your own life… The positive side that is.
“Only as a warrior can one withstand the path of knowledge. A warrior cannot complain or regret anything. His life is an endless challenge, and challenges cannot possibly be good or bad. Challenges are simply challenges.” ~ Carlos Castaneda